Best Practices For A Family Office

A family office may have many purposes, ranging from helping younger generations understand how to handle wealth responsibly to simply ensuring that bills are paid on time. Just as every family is different, every family office will also be unique.

However, while the needs of a given family may vary, successful family offices have certain qualities in common. These practices allow offices to provide the very highest levels of service to the families whose affairs they oversee.

First, a family office should align its goals with those of the family. The best family offices will provide independent and objective advice. This means that managers should only receive compensation directly from their clients, and that they should take care to work with other professionals who can say the same when engaging outside support. While the services offered “in-house” will vary, the staff should make sure that any outside services they seek are also provided by professionals with transparent and independent compensation structures so that such advice or work is unbiased.

A superior family office will not handle any one of its many services in isolation. One of the largest benefits an office can provide is coordinating financial or legal decisions in the context not only of an individual’s overall affairs, but also those of several generations, the members of which may have competing or complementary goals, interests and needs. Though a given office may or may not handle all of the services described in this article, the staff should integrate all the services it handles directly, as well as any work done by other professionals that the office oversees.

A basic but essential area covered by many family offices is the day-to-day administrative tasks that arise for one or more family members. Such tasks may include payroll and supervision of household staff, bill payment and bookkeeping services, arranging travel and coordinating family events, managing real estate or property, and keeping track of appointments and meetings. The support staff’s size and complexity will depend on the family’s needs. In most families, some members will rely on the office a great deal, and others relatively little. Family offices need to be sure that they have sufficient staff to keep up with the family’s concerns and that rules are in place to protect the privacy of the members who do use such services. Recordkeeping tasks may also be coordinated with the staff handling other sorts of work; for example, ensuring that employment taxes are handled properly for domestic workers or that charitable contributions are documented properly for the family’s tax preparer.

Wealth management services commonly comprise a large portion of a family office’s responsibilities. This will often involve selecting, overseeing and, if necessary, replacing investment managers or investment management firms. Since many families spread their assets among more than one investment management firm, it is crucial that the staff oversees these third-party managers as a group in order to understand each manager’s piece of the larger pie. Ideally, the office will create and maintain detailed guidelines covering the family’s investment strategy, asset allocation and long-term goals, such as educational or retirement savings plans. A good family office will also cultivate an understanding of proper due diligence procedures. If the in-house staff is not qualified to fully understand big-picture wealth management decisions, the office should evaluate and hire a trustworthy wealth manager to provide objective advice.

A bridge between wealth management and administrative tasks may be financial accounting and reporting. Providing maximum transparency and timely access to data is increasingly essential for family offices, but doing so can require a significant investment in staff, technology or both. The reports needed to review investment managers’ performance, the reports required for tax compliance, and those that are most useful to the family in managing their cash flow may include overlapping data, but will not be precisely the same. Some offices rely on third-party custodians to handle such reporting; others dedicate staff to handle such matters in-house. Either way, providing regular reports and timely answers to on-the-spot questions are central goals for most family offices.

Tax planning and preparation are tasks that few family members will want to handle themselves, given the complexity and changing nature of the tax code. To keep pace, many offices rely on one or more expert advisers to identify issues and coordinate strategy for the family’s overall tax concerns. These issues may range from estate and gift tax strategies to the timing of capturing a capital gain or loss. The family office should manage these issues proactively and regularly, whether that means scheduled meetings with outside advisers or investing in an in-house tax expert.

Estate planning should also go far beyond the tax consequences involved. Tax-saving strategies are one element of an effective plan, but the needs of the family, the desire for a charitable legacy and concerns about heirs’ future security can all factor into the equation. Thorough estate planning may involve some combination of a legal professional or team, tax experts and insurance agents, among others. The family office will need to evaluate and coordinate these professionals, and guide family members through the process of creating, updating and executing an estate plan that synthesizes many diverse elements.

A family office may also oversee insurance consultation for lifetime needs, including disability, property or liability insurance concerns. It is important to continually evaluate what coverage is needed, whether existing coverage is appropriate and efficient, and whether there are coverage gaps that family members should address. If the family has one or more business interests, the office may also cover business insurance needs. This will likely depend on the extent to which the office staff is involved in managing a closely held family business. Some offices will answer questions or provide requested feedback about the family business; others will have a more direct hand in its management. A family office may also serve as a useful resource for members of older generations who wish to create an effective succession plan. The office may oversee the creation of a buy-sell agreement, coordinate the change in oversight or ownership with family members’ retirement or estate plans, or oversee an objective valuation of the business prior to a transfer. Placing the business in its proper context within the family’s larger state of affairs will allow family members to reap the largest benefit from their business over time.

Philanthropy is another area in which a family office often plays a crucial role. Depending on a family’s goals, philanthropic giving may support a larger tax strategy, or it may offer younger generations a way to participate in a family culture of giving. It may also provide an opportunity for younger members to cultivate wealth management skills that they will later use in managing their personal affairs. A family office may oversee trusts, third-party providers, foundations or nonprofit organizations set up for any of these purposes. Charitable giving may also be a component of estate planning or investment management, and the staff should make sure that these avenues inform one another appropriately.

Family offices should also anticipate occasional conflict, even in a family that gets along well. Divorces, remarriages, career choices and interpersonal disagreements can all strain relationships. In addition to emotional upheaval, that strain can have legal and financial consequences. Communication is essential, and the office should facilitate it while shielding the family’s assets from poor investment decisions or reckless choices. This role requires both expertise and tact. Successful family office managers may also devise creative solutions to resolve such conflicts, at least with regard to the family’s legal and financial affairs.

A family office, much like other client service-oriented firms, will rise to excellence through a combination of attention to detail and creative problem-solving. Rather than simply performing tasks family members would rather not do themselves, office managers should add value through sound advice, reliable and transparent structure, and enough flexibility to meet a family’s changing needs. Whether providing services within the office or engaging outside professionals, a family office with high standards of service will repay the large trust the family has placed in it.

Family Therapy

A child’s poor schoolwork may be a cry for help in family relationships. If the family’s request for help is ignored, the school may be left with a refractory educational problem and an angry child who may continue to fail until someone finally gets the message. In most instances, when children fail in school, some form of family therapy is warranted.
The goal of family therapy is to change structures and processes in the family or in its environment so as to relieve existing strains. Family diagnosis based on living systems theory makes it possible to determine whether pathology lies in a family as a whole, in one or more individual members, or in a suprasystein, such as an economically disadvantaged neighborhood or a school with limited resources.

The range of interventions available to families is considerable. The health, mental health, social service, pastoral care, and educational systems all deal with family problems. The field of marriage counseling has specifically focused on one aspect of the family, and family service agencies handle all aspects of the family. For faltering families the marital relationship is the most important locus: marriage counseling or marital couple therapy may be useful. For families with more serious problems, self-help groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous, Parents Without Partners, and Parents Anonymous are available in most communities. Child psychiatrists deal with the range of child, adolescent, and family problems.

The fit between clinical resource and a family is critical. Ethnic and economic factors may override psychological issues. Every clinical resource sets some limit on the range of factors it can work with in both diagnosis and therapy. These limits evolve out of the history peculiar to a given clinical setting, the training backgrounds of professionals, the socioeconomic sur¬roundings, and the nature of the social pressures.

Motivating Families for Therapy

Professionals should be sensitive to the misunderstanding, hesitation, and fear in family members as they approach help.

Each family member’s level of sophistication about psychological problems and openness to using a mental health resource varies. At the least education of the mem-bers of the family is required so that an intellectual understanding of the reasons for working with the family can be achieved. This step often is omitted with resulting misunderstandings.

Troubled families are the most likely to lack insight and even the strength to engage in family therapy. Their defensive maneuvers may he so extreme that engaging the family in therapy may depend upon equally skillful maneuvering by the therapist or the external pressure of agencies, such as the schools and the courts. If given a choice, many of these families would either drop out or limit their involvement to supporting treatment of the identified patient. Their denial and projection are particularly difficult to handle.

Ferreting out the family’s expectations of therapy is an important step toward assessing their motivation For change. For example, because dominated families involve both family and individual psychopathology, they often lodge their concerns upon a single identified patient. The other family members may not be disposed to see themselves as a part of that person’s problem and certainly not as the focus of therapy. When an attempt is made to involve the family, the parents may withdraw and look for someone who will “help”. the family member identified as a patient. As a strategy, the therapist may need to appear to join the family in its efforts to change the symptom bearer as a means of involving the entire family with the passage of time.

Conflicted families usually, require intensive family therapy in addition to consultation to other systems. such as the schools, social services, and law enforcement agencies. Chaotic families are the most difficult to engage in family therapy because their views of reality are not congruent with their social milieu. Hospitalization, medication, and consultation to other agencies may be necessary. in order to provide a foundation for family therapy.

A delicate issue in motivating families for treatment is how to separate a clinician’s responsibility to assist the family from the family’s responsibility for change. This is a problem especially when other agencies are involved with the family. For example, both school personnel and parents may look to a clinician for answers about a child. In these circumstances the clinician must carefully keep the child and the family in the position of responsibility and work through them for inter-system negotiations. Unsuccessful management of this issue can make the clinician a scapegoat by permitting both the parents and school personnel to expect that the therapist is responsible for changing the child.

From the educator’s point of view, it is important to he aware of the complicated role of the family in a child’s school problems over which educators and parents find themselves in conflict. Some parents obtain satisfaction from this fight, because they were embittered by their own past unhappy school experience and find this opportunity to retaliate. The child has an especially important role to play in this manipulative struggle. In the battle over who will control the helping process, if the school and clinical team are not coordinated, a family can find a weak link and defeat both. An effective position for school personnel in these situations is to recognize that no one can help the child until everyone works together.

The Techniques of Family Therapy

The theories and techniques employed by family therapists vary. widely. General systems theory, however, provides a rationale for integrating them.

The aims of family therapy are to promote the basic functions of the family. Forming a family unit assists adults in appropriately disengaging from their families of origin. The functions of a family relate to intimacy between family members in the form of attachment bonds and empathic communication, which can be fostered through increasing sensitivity to others and risking exposure of one’s personal vulnerability. As the heart of the socialization process, the family is the vehicle for imparting cultural customs and values through the process of identification and through learning coping skills. The family also is the forum for safely expressing transient irrational emotions and accepting them from others. In the family the irrationality of life can be accepted by acknowledging the differences between the way things should be and the way they are, between expectations and reality, and between verbalizing socially unacceptable emotions and wishes and acting upon them.

The barriers to healthy family functioning are stereotyped roles enacted by family members based upon covert scripts that are incongruent with family functions. Examples of these roles are victim, martyr, hero, tyrant, scapegoat, saint, rebel, fool, and genius. These roles are played out from ritualized scripts that maintain immature, destructive relationships and frustrate the individuation and development family members. Family therapy creates awareness of these counterproductive scripts and roles through confrontation, interpretation, playfulness, and humor in order to foster flexibility in family members within legitimate family roles.

The techniques or family therapy include behavioral, structural, and intuitive methods. The accumulation of clinical experience is demonstrating the usefulness of employing a range of techniques in an integrated style of therapy. The family therapist can assist families to more realistically function by acting as a catalyst who facilitates interaction; a critic who describes behavior; a teacher who shows new ways; a supporter who gives license and hope; an interpreter who offers explanations of behavior; a provocateur who stimulates interaction, and a model who demonstrates solving problems.

Because of its highly structured nature, the Milan method of family therapy has been employed for training purposes. It involves a therapeutic team that helps families through confronting them with more realistic views of their family interactions while encouraging family members to achieve more adaptive levels of relating to each other.

The Process of Family Therapy

Once a family becomes engaged in the therapeutic process, a varied and exciting course of growth may ensue, or the process itself may be impeded by resistance that must be worked through in order to achieve the aims of therapy.

Family members usually have linear cause-and-effect views of what goes on in the family. For example, “Jimmy’s restlessness gets us all upset.” The aim of family therapy is to shift the level of understanding from this simplistic and partially correct view to an interactional system level. An important technique for accomplishing this is through encouraging family members to comment on each other’s relationships in the family. This both opens up communication and focuses attention on interactions within the family.

Through a variety of reframing statements additional information can be given to a family to encourage more accurate interactional and psychodynamic understandings of the determinants of symptoms in family members. For example, the success that a child achieves through failing in school and sabotaging adults can be contrasted with the view of the child’s behavior as simply negative. As a family grapples with a child’s problem. their frustrations and discomforts become evident and permit redefinition of the problem in terms of family members’ personal sufferings rather than the problem child’s behavior. New communication lines ran be opened, so that an awareness of the family’s role in a child’s educational difficulties can add a crucial dimension to helping the child. The family can then realistically support the educational program for their child and assume a parent-professional alliance with school personnel.

Some parents, however, remain involved in the genesis and perpetuation of their children’s school problems. Handicapped by inflexibility, this kind of family is stable and inclined to deny the educational problem and becomes upset when the severity of the problem diminishes.

In troubled families, the double bind is a frequently encountered interactional pattern that can have devastating consequences for family members enmeshed in it. In essence, the double bind is a covert relationship in which one person has power over the other, who cannot escape. It has two important components. The first consists of paradoxical injunctions in which the less powerful member of the dyad is given conflicting messages either through impossible injunctions, for example, “be spontaneous” or through the nonverbal contradiction of verbal messages, for ex¬ample, a parent’s statement ”don’t worry about me” in an anxious tome of voice. The second component occurs over time in which the paradoxical injunctions lead to repetitive behavior patterns. The participants provoke the very behavior from each other that they deplore through incongruous behavior. For example, a mother criticized her silent daughter and encouraged here to express her feelings. When she did, however, the mother broke into tears with, “How can you feel that way after all I have done for you? Then the daughter became silent, eliciting her mother’s criticism again, because she was not speaking.

During therapy these resistant families act like well-drilled teams. When inter¬viewed together family members may feel persecuted, become confused, find it hard to think of anything to say, be preoccupied with and silent about the same secret, agree on a fabricated version of a touchy incident, or start arguing with one another and then blame the therapist for upsetting them.

These families typically employ power plays that maintain the status quo. For example, one set of parents nagged their adolescent son into being a “good boy.” To qualify he had to be passive, compliant, infantile, and sexless. When he rebelled his mother histrionically went to bed with intense heart pains, presumably induced by the son, and the father expressed the horror of one who had sired a homicidal son. Another mother coached her son in reading even though the drills ended with both in tears and obviously impeded her son’s motivation to learn. Other parents are so punitive when their children get poor grades that the children retaliate by failing even more.

A specific aim of one family script is to maintain the symptom. As an illustration, one family with a retarded reader convinced their son that he was doing as well as might expected in view or his presumed limited intelligence. They denied clinical reports that his intelligence was normal and disparaged the validity of the tests. Another aim of a family script is to maintain the acceptability of the family’s public image. For example, a family maintained the image of cheerful cooperativeness with no problems apart from their son’s retardation in reading.

Scripts also protect a family’s secrets. For example, when one son began to talk about the “skeleton in the closet” in a family session, the others started conversations on unrelated subjects. If he persisted, they continued to divert the discussion to peripheral topics or tried to talk him out or his opinion.

Some children improve in schoolwork while acquiring a new emotional or behavioral problem. In this maneuver, the children maintain their scapegoat functions in their families and do not have to deal with upsets, which would follow relinquishing their problem roles. Thus they help keep their families from becoming unstable. If the new problem is addressed therapeutically, the members of these families close ranks. They offer carefully reasoned excuses for missing appointments. They accuse therapists of using ineffectual treatment methods and may discontinue therapy. One parent simply said, “I can’t stand any more talk about me. If we have to do that, I would rather have Bryan stay in special ed.”

PARENT EDUCATI0N

Parents benefit from insight into their children’s problems, but insight alone is not enough. They need help in learning to change the emotional climate in the home.

Parent-guidance materials are important means of assisting parents to understand and to cope with a child’s characteristics. Training in parenting skills also is useful. This is particularly needed in developing communication skills through listening, talking with children, and verbal problem solving as employed in Parent Effectiveness Training. Effective communication is basic to the survival of all groups including families. More specific behavioral management techniques have been developed for hyperactive children. Literature is available to help parents play a more significant role in their children’s schoolwork.

Fostering communication between parent and child through parenting education can produce substantial gains in the competencies of children.

Babies and young children with difficult temperamental styles may cause their parents to feel threatened and inadequate with resulting unconscious rejection or scapegoating of the child. A difficult child and threatened parents, therefore, can set in motion a cyclic interaction that makes the child increasingly vulnerable. With older children parents need help in examining their childrearing techniques. Viewing themselves interacting with their children on videotapes can be particularly useful. They may unwittingly reinforce behavior problems through attention to misbehavior, double messages, failing to set limits, ignoring desired behaviors, and inappropriate punishment, all of which result in losing a child’s respect. Although striving for consistency is a laudable objective, still there are times when parental authority must be arbitrary and so acknowledged with children.

To effect a climate of communication, parents can motivate their children by helping them analyze their own behavior and select target behaviors for change. Family meetings are useful for exercising the democratic process, so that each member participates in decision making within appropriately defined limits. When the atmosphere in family meetings is conducive to discussion of problems with openness and dignity, parents can appreciate the importance of changing their own attitudes and listening to their children more carefully. Parent modeling of self-discipline, forgiveness, and a willingness to acknowledge mistakes promotes similar qualities in their children.

Parents can profit from an understanding of sibling relationships in which a mixture of pleasure, affection, hostility, aggression, jealousy, rivalry, and frustration is freely expressed. The sibling relationship can be profoundly important in shaping the development of social skills. At the same time, a younger sibling can languish in the shade of an overbearing older sibling.

Jack C. Westman, M.D., M.S., is professor emeritus of psychiatry at the University o

Family Business, Non-Family Business, Urban Myths.

After 20 years of working with Senior Executives across the world it’s interesting to see the mistakes when appointing Senior Executives. There can be many reasons why, but one reason is not understanding the differences of working in a Family Business and a Non-Family Business. I’ve recently met several Senior Executives who are unhappy with their employment because of this lack of knowledge and understanding and I’m meeting Business owners who didn’t realise there was a difference. These Business Owners feel that money and title is enough and stick to the Mantra of “Surely experienced ‘C’ level Executives can work in any company?”

Due to the change of economy, I have become more involved with assisting Family Businesses rather than just the corporates in finding ‘C’ level people. To do this successfully I believe that everyone in the process of hiring Senior Executives must understand the differences that separate the two entities. Having worked for an English and Indian Family Business in a past life this has helped me at first hand to see the ups and downs of these Businesses; this with a theoretical base has helped with running my own companies or advising others with theirs.

One recent company I have been involved with was run and founded by a successful New Zealand Entrepreneur. He does not have anybody in his immediate family to hand the reins over to. He has tried (outside the family) executives to fill his ‘C’ level roles and has had three people in three years! What is the problem? Was this a real Family Business? Was the Problem his, or the Executives?

We discussed the reasons for the failures but in terms of assisting the owner I got him to firstly look at where his people came from. All three had been ‘C’ level people in corporates and had done an excellent job in their corporate environment. They all returned to corporate life and continued to do well in their new roles. Why did they fail then in this successful company?

What I needed the owner to do was to identify a “Family Business”. I don’t normally use dictionary definitions but feel that in this instance Wikipedia gives a satisfactory explanation of a Family Business;

“A commercial organization in which decision-making is influenced by multiple generations of a family-related by blood or marriage-who are closely identified with the firm through leadership or ownership. Owner-manager entrepreneurial firms are not considered to be family businesses because they lack the multigenerational dimension and family influence that create the unique dynamics and relationships of family businesses” Wikipedia 2014.

We looked at his company and although he didn’t have anyone in the immediate family to take over the reins he had people who owned the company in minor leadership roles. We both agreed he did in fact have a Family Business.

He thought that buying in top salaried ‘C’ level Executives from corporates would enhance growth and sustain his business. He had not seen any differences between Family and Non-Family Business.

Urban Myths for Family Businesses;

All are unstable Small to Midsize businesses’.
As an Executive I don’t want to baby sit the junior family members so they can take over my job.
A non-family member will never run the company.
Mother and Father Companies, the only people that matter in the company are family members.
Emotional hard to work places due to family disagreements/arguments.
Incompetent family members in positions of authority.
Are these statements true or are they just Urban Myths?

Family businesses are one of the fastest growing sectors of the world economy and now merit serious consideration by Senior Executives looking to advance their careers. This is an amazing turnaround from 25 years ago when nobody wanted to work for a family-owned business. There now seem to be many positives;

Patricia Epperlein from InterSearch reports that;

In the USA, 90% of businesses are family-owned. They contribute towards 40% of that nation’s GNP and pay approximately half of its total wages.

59% of France’s Top-500 industrial companies are family-owned.

It is estimated that 70% to 85% of all businesses worldwide are family-owned.

Tom O’Neil NZ Herald. Jan 2014 states;

Small to medium businesses are the lifeblood of New Zealand industry. Various sources cite family businesses as representing 75 per cent of Kiwi firms, providing up to 80 per cent of employment and 65 per cent of national GDP.

It’s interesting to note that when companies around the world state that they are a “Family Business” they are trying to reinforce positive family values of, Integrity, honesty, trust and loyalty.

Not all Family Businesses’ are SMEs. Companies like;

Porsche
WalMart
Tata Group.
In New Zealand the Talley Family (Agribusiness) and the Pandey family (Hotels).
Simon Peacocke of BDO Auckland, an accredited Family Business Advisor works with numerous NZ Family Businesses and feels that they do well because of the following reasons;

Family businesses think very long-term and are very resilient, much more so than non-family businesses.

Second and third generation family business members start their apprenticeship at a very young age. At 5 years old they are hearing their parents talking about the business so they have an incredible depth of knowledge to draw on.

Their relationships with staff and communities also tend to be different – closer, more connected, more loyal.

Staff tend to become part of the family business and to stay on as long-term committed employees.

While corporates like to be seen supporting their communities, family businesses generally don’t promote they are doing this – they just do it.

They don’t throw lots of money at things trying to get rich quick.

They also have a powerful focus on building relationships with staff, customers and suppliers.

So is it worth working for a family company? Is it better to work for a Non-Family Business? Is there any difference when the economy is good or is in a slump?

Nicolas Kachaner 2012 in the Harvard Business Review states,

“Results show that during good economic times, family-run companies don’t earn as much money as companies with a more dispersed ownership structure. But when the economy slumps, family firms far outshine their peers. And when we looked across business cycles from 1997 to 2009, we found that the average long-term financial performance was higher for family businesses than for non-family businesses in every country we examined”.

Senior Executives looking for longevity in the work place should look at the Family Business as this would take them through economies varying peaks and troughs. They will need to be aware that this will always be done in a cost effective way.

Business Consultants believe that they can tell easily if the company is Family or Non-Family Business. You just walk into the Head Office. A Non-family office has a very substantial corporate office with a “Wow Factor”. The Family business being more Frugal has very few “Bells and Whistles”. This Frugality is about the Family Business CEO looking to invest in the long term 20 year plan with the business passing down the generations. The Non-Family CEO is looking to make an instant mark and will try and outperform the person they have taken over from. There are many studies that show that Family Businesses did better in the recent Global recession for the above reason. The Family Business is frugal in the good times and the bad allowing them to weather the storms of economic crisis.

This is one of the factors that had been wrong in my client with three ‘C’ Level people in three years. His ‘C’ level people came in with a quick turnaround plan which they hoped would give a quick fix and outspending the last person in the hope that they would do something instantly. No twenty year plan for them as they had never been afforded this way of working in the past.

Do Family Businesses perform differently in other countries?

Justin Craig, PhD states,

“Interestingly, in many aspects family businesses as a sector do not vary much from country to country. There are obvious cultural differences but a business with family involvement is challenging in every country. It is also more rewarding than the ‘corporates’, let’s not forget that. Of course, there are older businesses in Europe, for example, than in Australia and New Zealand and the United States, and the mind-sets of companies in Europe will differ than in the later developed countries. But day to day the differences are not noticeable. Older businesses have more at stake and lots more to lose but they also have advantages. Family leaders still have to manage three independent and interdependent systems being the family, the business and the ownership group”.

Appointing the right Senior Executives is crucial to any company and is a costly acquisition. There are many reasons why hiring at this level goes wrong but getting it right can make a huge difference to your company.

To answer one of my questions, can a ‘C’ Level person work in any type of Business, Family or Non-Family?

Yes, but only if they are armed with the knowledge of the differences of the two. What they must also be sure of is the type of business that they are going to work in as sometimes this can be a cloudy issue, making it difficult for them to decide which one it is. Look at those mighty corporate companies of Porsche, Tata and Walmart to name a few.

Finding the right ‘C’ Level Executive is a lengthy process and shouldn’t be rushed, if you need to rush you are better to go down the Executive Leasing Route in the short term which will allow you to take a breath and get the right permanent person in place. Work with your inside team or your outside partners to establish a good process, so the firm can articulate the process to the Senior Executives. Everyone appreciates the fact that there is a well thought-out plan in place.

For me, I decided a long time ago not to build a Family Business. I wanted to give my children the best in life, but wanted them to make their own way in life too. My children might disagree but as one is studying to be a Barrister and one is settled in a corporate I will wait and see if I need to step in? I have however, always agreed with Billionaire Investor Warren Buffett who said, “He would give his kids just enough so that they could do anything, but not so much as they did nothing”.

Family: Given As a Blessing Not a Curse

“What does your family mean to you?,” a child was once asked.

“Nothing,” she replied. “Mine was so extremely dysfunctional. My father is always drunk, my mother always beat kids. My brothers and sisters already got out of the house and I do not know what they are already doing and where they are. It(Family) is just something that I wish for that I know I will never have.”

A HAPPY FAMILY. Are you also one of the people who are in a quest for this?

Filipino family ties during the early years are superior examples of in high spirit, nurtured families. Other countries would envy how we do things all together — dine, go to church, watch a movie, shopping, go in an, how the whole family would go together to the airport when a family member arrives, how parents are very much supportive to their children’s concerns and a lot more. But now, for many, that was just BEFORE. Before when families are still given much time, attention and care.

Many Filipino families nowadays still carry out the picture of the healthy family like we used to have before. But as of these days also, reality speaks that the country whom many people envied of its close family ties already brought into being a high number of broken homes and unwanted families.

My imagination pictures a scenario where I am walking on the street one day and I meet a child wiping his tears.

“Why are you crying?”

“Nothing.”

“Are you lost? Where are you from?”

“No. I live there by the nearby kanto where people would always hear the loud cries of children, where father and mother always let plates, saucers and our things at home fly.”

“Huh? Why? Who is your father by the way?”

“I do not know. When father enters our house drank, expect a plate to fly again. My mother use to name him ‘Bitch’ and I call him the same. I have no idea of his real name rather. And I do not care. Our house is like just a hell of ‘bitches’ and ‘demons’ as they call each other there.”

“What about your mother’s name? Maybe I know her and I can talk to her.”

“Never mind. My father calls her ‘Crazy’ and I call her the same.”

“Ah. So where are you going then?”

“I’ll go find my friends. I will invite them to have some cigarette and liquor to somewhat forget this feelings for a while.”

As a Filipino, would I feel great? As years outdo, instead of family ties becoming firmer and firmer, relationship between family members came to be weaker and weaker.

Have you tried having a look to some old photos of your parents during their graduation days? They may not graduated with flying honors but can you notice on the pictures the presence of all siblings, parents and some relatives during that special day? Probably, you would. But in our present-day generation, you can even witness an honored student in tears while receiving her medals, ribbons, and certificates with just his great grandmother with him who could hardly walk already.

Currently, youth would enjoy dropping out of school, joining fraternity groups, being engaged in premarital sex and some are now officially called “batang ina” or “batang ama”. As a matter of fact, in the Philippines, 1 out of 3 aged 15-24 years old youth have involved themselves in premarital sex and 14 percent of girls aged 15-19 are already a mother. WHAT A WORRISOME NUMBER!

Researchers, with all their bests provided us all the reasons and causes why these things are being enjoyed by youth in order for solutions or preventions to be made. Peer pressure, lack of self-esteem, fear of rejection and many more came out – almost all pointing the blame to each child’s FAMILY.

Many would define the word FAMILY as the circle where they started to have Fears; for others, it is a dwelling where Anger reigns; it is also where others experienced being Maltreated; it is the circle where others feel Insecure to be with; for some it is something they never Long to be with anymore because of the experiences they had, and for others it is like hell where they always hear shouts and Yells.

On other family cases, my heart would cry for a friend who tries to live life with the best she can but inside her, she’s in a journey of looking for a father she has never seen since birth; for a friend who would embrace me with tears saying,”it would even be easier for me to know he’s dead than to see her happily living with that monster.”; a friend who dropped out of school after his father took away all their earnings and slept with another woman; and a friend who cries every time she whispers her birthday wish to have their complete family back again.

Is this already the face of the family that God, with great love had given to men? A place where many cannot feel the things that they are supposed to. As the years would go, will children try their bests to define FAMILY in the most negative way they can? This is not God’s idea for families!

Youth, we are the hope of our nation. In the years to come we should not let families become worse and worse. We can no more bring those days when our country is being envied of the close family ties. But we can do it again!

God designed the family as the smallest unit in the society. Yes, the smallest yet with the greatest purpose- for parents to mold the children’s values and attitudes, to help them start dreaming and to give them very positive outlooks in life. He conceived it as the heart of the society, church and nation. The well-being of a society, success of a church and prosperity of a nation all rest on the family influences. He created family ties to be the closest, most tender and sacred on earth because He wants to bind the life of the nation with love.

Everyone has a family. Even the animals have. Many would say they do not have because they do not let themselves be called a part of the family they belong to since they do not want to be embarrassed. We may not be enjoying the family where we belong right now but we can never do otherwise, we cannot chose.

To those who are very much enjoying the company of a happy family, God is so happy watching over you. But! you will not be allowed forever to be hidden under the wings of your parents. God wants you to have your own family in the right time too.

And for you who, until now are still longing for a successful family which will be the complete opposite of the never-been-happy family they have at present, your dreams are all dependent in your hands.

The desired family we are all aiming for all starts with the most careful, most wise and Godly decisions.

As a young lady, who am I not to dream for my own happy, healthy and nurtured family in the future too? But the family, actually, does not excite me. What excites me most is when I would walk along the isle as a 777 bride between the golden-colored, sweet scented flowers along a very peaceful, solemn church wedding.

Like any other women, I am really much motivated for this great event since I thought it would be where the happy ever after and the happy family would get underway. But unfortunately, I was wrong.

A happy ever after all begins with what you are now – how you make decisions in life today pictures what you are going to have in the future. Do not daydream too much of the wedding. Have a high standard of goal with the family you are going to have. Because with these childish daydreaming for extravagant weddings, I tell you, many were married but are mismatched.

Be cautious! How you handle things today is what you will become tomorrow.

Reality check in today’s courtship practices, are they all approved in Christ’s standard? Gone are those days when suitors are obliged to meet the parents first. Welcome to the generation where young ladies and gentlemen meet in secrets and do things in secrets without the knowing of their parents.

Ellen G. White strongly reminds us that we should not trust too much to impulse. Remember, love is not a strong, fiery, impetuous passion. On the contrary, it is calm and deep in its nature, it is wise and discriminating, its devotion is real and abiding and is a pure and holy – a high and noble principle.

Great care should be taken in the formation of friendships and in the choice of companions. We should weigh every sentiment and watch every development of character in the one with whom we would like to link our destiny. Let our minds dwell upon spiritual subjects. Give ourselves constant vigilant self-instructions.

Sitting up late, on the other hand at night is customary; but it is not pleasing even if we are both Christians. These untimely hours injure health and have an appearance of evil.

” Satan knows what elements he has to deal with and he displays his internal wisdom in various devices to entrap humans to ruins,” Mrs. White wrote.

“A young man,” she added, “who enjoys the society and friendship of a young lady unknown to her parents does not act a noble Christian part toward her and toward her parents. Through secret communications and meetings, he may gain an influence over her mind but in doing so, he fails to manifest that nobility and which every child of God will possess.Thou shalt not steal was written by the finger of God on the tables of stone yet how much underhand stealing of affection is being practiced today?”

Be wary!!! We know not how a 16-year-old mother dealt with her early pregnancy plus her parents’ reaction with it plus the murmurs around and how she would deal with the family she is going to have that she never liked and dream of. Do we still want to bear the same feelings as she did?

Choosing a life partner stage, when taken unwisely is the most effective means of destroying the youthfulness and the supposed-to-be very bright future of us.

As a woman, before uttering the words “I do” try to consider the characteristics of the man first. Is his life pure? Can you find true peace in his affection? Has he the traits that will make you happy? Is God the foundation of his life?

And as a man, consider some things too about the woman you are deeply in love with. Will she bring happiness to your home? Will she be patient and painstaking? Will she take your parents as her own too? Does she have God in her life?

“No one can effectually ruin a woman’s happiness and usefulness and make life a heart sickening burden as her own husband and no one can do one hundredth part as much to chill the hopes and aspirations of a man, to paralyze his energies and ruin his influence and prospects as his own wife,” White explains in her book Growing a Happy Home.

Take heed! A little time spent in sowing wild oats will produce a crop that will embitter a whole life. And an hour of thoughtlessness may turn the whole current of life in the wrong direction.

Excited with your wedding? Have you prayed hard for the BEST partner? Again, with the most careful, most wise and Godly decisions are where a happy family begins.

The next important factor towards building a happy family is knowing the great responsibilities laid on your shoulders as parents. Family was not given by the Lord to become a trial and error for the people who wants to find genuine happiness and the real meaning of their lives. Family is a sacred tie that needs to be well and carefully planned by the parents to whom God has placed the greatest responsibilities in a family.

Therefore, before getting into this, both the lady and the gentleman should know the obligations God wants them to perform not only as a husband and wife but also as a mother and a father.

Firstly, to the future wives and mothers. Your primary role is often seen as providing a home first for your husband. In addition, Colossians 3:18 clearly states that ” Wives, submit to your husbands, as it is fitting in the Lord.” Submission means a lot of things- to love your husband in words and in deeds, to be willing to be a part of him and to do only good to him. Serve him when he comes home from work, pray for him every time you would pray for yourself, be open to him and be willing to take your in-laws as your own parents too.

Another big charge to a wife is becoming a mother – to provide the safe and secure environment in which your children can grow and flourish, develop their personalities and talents to move out into the world where they proceed to blossom into being their own person.

Mrs. White expressed, “many ladies, accounted and well-educated are shamefully ignorant of the practical duties of life.” Therefore, a lady, before getting married should have a thorough knowledge of the household duties as a wife and a mother. Your beauty and talents have nothing to do with your family life that much rather than playing the simple, practical duties daily for your family. Who cares if you can graciously play the piano but cannot cook for the family? We should never forget the very common saying that personally comes out from our mouths — “IDLENESS IS A SIN.”

Not only that, a mother’s onus also is to protect her children from sickness and while a child is sick, she takes good care until her child’s condition gets back to normal. Being a mother is not being just dependent on hospitals when sicknesses arise. Make your own home a natural treating place for those family members who needs it. That is why, you should ensure and offer good nutrition and proper hygiene to your children.

Sometimes, with these simple, little things come troubles in a family. A husband going away because he has given up doing almost all the household chores daily after coming home from work while the wife just taking care of their child spent her whole day if not in the salon, she’s in the mall spending all his husband’s wages.

Parents are called the “first teachers”. From the very childhood of a child, parents, most specially mothers are to ensure the development of sense of morality. Mothers should have the patience, love and hard work to educate their children well before sending them out to schools.

A mother, on the other hand can also help provide for a family but it is not your responsibility. Yours is to grow with your kids. You must be flexible. You must know that in a family, all behavior is a form of communication and you should have a thorough knowledge how to react in them. Everybody communicates through it like for example an infant may cry when she is hungry or wet, just like an adult may yawn when he is bored at work.

A mother should have the motto of “family first before myself” and an attitude of being mindful, productive and motivated to make her family to the best it can be.

Reminder, there are families whose happiness is wrecked by the inefficiency of the mother. Mothers are being distinguished as the “lights” of the home, then mothers should have the Godly characteristics that would lead their children to the right path.

And for the future husband and the fathers, your greatest role as a husband is clearly stated in Ephesians 5:28 saying that you should love your wives as you love yourselves. Love to wife is not only showed but should also be said. Literally, many can only tell their love for their wives during sexual intercourse. Excuse me, do not make your wives as merely as a sex object.1 Peter 3:7 says you should honor your wives because they have given up their names to take yours.

One more big obligation is that you should be the financer. Marriage is a financial venture and to husbands were given the responsibility to finance, support and provide for his family. The wife can help too but it is not her responsibility. As a husband, your earnings should not be just for your own. No man is excusable for this!

And lastly, it is clearly read in Ephesians 6:4. “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”

Yes! Fathers should be active in the area of the discipline and rearing of children not teaching them how to speak bad words, how to hold a gun, kick a playmate, how to drink liquor and how to hold cigarettes.

Look out! Like we were before, children nowadays are also copy cats. Before preaching, make sure you are not yet caught doing that thing you are talking about. You should see their development by the way you live and the direction in which you lead your family. Fathers were given the crown as the head of the family. Assume leadership at home but not dictatorial. Open criticism can be a big help to a family. But not because you were given the authority, do not make criticism so severe in the family. Do not make rules that are too rigid either, this will just lead to the disregard of all your regulations.

In a family, selfishness is not obligatory. That is why communication plays a big role. As parents, you should be matured enough to be open in communication because this is the key in all successful relationships. Not just in marriage or with children but with parents, siblings, in-laws and extended family.

Instances where family refuses to speak to or acknowledge other family members is ridiculous. Families need to talk, to work things out, to try to make things better. Family members doing hurtful things to one another, deciding not to love someone or be around someone for their decisions is not only rude and hateful, but against everything Christian-like. Talk to your family members. Tell them how you feel or find out what is truly going on. Make an effort to work things out. Make an effort to understand. Don’t always assume you know.

Time is another important cog. Once you already have your own family, you should never cry for your mother’s daily care and presence anymore. Gone are those days when you can have party with friends and go anywhere you want anytime you want to. Gone are those days already when you are still the child. You are now a playing a very rigid yet enjoyable parent role. Attending parties and gimics are never forbidden to parents anyway as long as you know your limits.

A writer once said: “”it is the cry of many parents that they have no time for their children. Then they should not have taken upon themselves the responsibility of a family yet. By withholding from them the time which is justly theirs, they rob them of the education which children should have at their hands. If they have children, they have a work to do in the formation of their characters. They should never, never neglect their children. They should let nothing interpose between them and the best interests of their children.”

Dinner time can be one of the best family moments together. Research have shown that not only do families develop a stronger family identity, families who eat dinner together regularly can also keep in touch with each others’ lives, a regular family dinnertime provides natural opportunities for planning and problem solving and in a variety of conversation topics, learning is encouraged.

These are only some of the basics and the paragon of what God wants the family to be. A place of love, comfort, contentment and happiness. For sure, a question like “how can these be possible?” would rise.

Simple. Your question can be answered by a children’s song: “with Jesus in the family, happy, happy home.” But then, again, what if we now we still do not have God in our lives?

On our shoulders as youth were laid the responsibilities to make the future brighter. God designed family for joy, satisfaction and security.

We only pass this way but once. We should then make the best out of everything we do. We were put to earth to prepare for the heavenly kingdom that was being prepared for us. And God would like us to make every family a little heaven on earth as a representation of the group we are going to bring in heaven.

Let us enjoy our youthful years but have a keen observation of the

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